I think I just had a panic attack.
Tonight I went out with mom to go buy all sorts of junk food, it was going to be a family night I guess but it happens that dad had a "compromise"... He went out with his own friends so... Oh well.
I was upset cause he was going somewhere dangerous to drink and... be around people for whom I don't give a fuck but also people who is dangerous for their own selves, they drink, smoke... they are freaking 40 and single... Nothing good can happen around someone like that... The "reunion" was somewhere unsafe according to what I heard while mom talked to him on the phone...
There was no much we did but wait a while on the dining room, then we went and watched a movie. It was a good one, it would've been better if dad had cared to watch it with us.
It's freaking 00:14 in the morning and there's no sign of him. Mom called him and he did not answer his phone, sends us to the mailbox.
Mom is sleeping now. I don't know what's going on with me though.
I feel like... That isn't my dad.
Mine would answer his phone always, he wouldn't go out drinking to start with. He wouldn't watch football and treat us like shit as he does. He wouldn't abandon us to go lunch with his own work "friends"..... That ain't him
But he has been like that for a time now. And Idk why, or how he came to be like that. I don't know if maybe it was me who was too naive to notice he's always been the same, or if he has changed.
Right now I'm just scared, trapped between the thought that he just happens to be human. To be imperfect and just as selfish, careless and the asshole that all of us humans are able to become.
And the thought that he is not normally like this, that if he is behaving in this way then it's not him, that maybe someone pointed a gun at him, that maybe they have him trapped.... Perhaps he was robbed and his phone is not into his hands now.
I don't know which one to believe. And I'm trembling, I don't know why. To be honest a deep part of me doesn't care, and the weakest cocoon that surrounds me is panicking.
I think, if he happens to not be as perfect as I thought then that would be okay. It happens that I'm grown up and reached a phase in which I am able to see the world clearly. I know what's right and wrong, I have moral, I have thoughts and I'm able to realize how people behaves in front of me, unlike my younger childhood. I started noticing a while ago.....
My mother, my father, my sisters and my friends. My family in general, everyone around me. They are.......People.
They are selfish, they care for themselves and that's it.
I always thought of them both as examples for a living, who wouldn't?
And yet I find myself meeting this people for the first time now.
My mother, afraid... Selfish, unfair... Good talking but not good doing what she suggests herself. She doesn't trust my father at all, she doesn't trust anyone. She's played with people before, she wouldn't sacrifice herself, tends to make favors but always demanding something in return. She's so paranoid she even makes fake fb accounts to flirt with my dad as another woman and see if he cheats with her.
My father, he runs away when he can't handle things. Avoids us, he says something here... Says something else there.
He lies to my mother, keeps stuff from her, I don't know if he keeps things from me too. Suddenly he likes everything of what I someday heard him say he hated. Contradicts himself, is a liar. Vengeful.
My sister, she would strangle me if I pissed her off. She is never disposing to do anything for anyone, regardless of the times I always did something for her. I'd give my life for her, but she clearly would use me as bait.
My younger sister, she back stabs. Bad-mouths you, moves only where it's convenient for herself, even if that means dragging along everyone else into the fire.
My grandmother... Often judging all of us, not respecting any of our opinions. For her we are all wrong, and will always be. Only she holds the truth, my mother is a fail into her eyes. My dad a sinner, us are the lost children for whom she can't do anything, we are trash, wasted, nothing can't be done from the spoliation that we are.
My aunt who always hated my grand-father, Happens that her and my mother are only half-sisters. She controls people, sacrifices them for work, to push up her own goals.
My other aunts/uncles they just care about money, back-stabbing brothers, hating on each other like a bunch of piranha. None of them gave a single tear when my great grandmother died. They made her suffer until she died, I don't think they are beings capable of love.
My so called friends..... They seem to be "always" there. We barely ever talk now, they have boyfriends, they like them better. They have a "real life" now. I just happen to be something that they passed by.
It hurts to find out who people really is?... I don't know, some part of me is unable to show any feeling.
Everything good and everything bad mix into a bundle of emotions that suppress each other and I finish up with an awkward nothing.
Even still, I rather have them betray what I used to believe they were. I honestly would like to think of my father like just another man, just as capable of abandoning us like any other is. I rather think he didn't answer his phone in purpose, rather than think that maybe he was planning to return but something got in the way. I rather remember a jerk who lied to me, than remember a loving father who one day didn't return.
I randomly collapsed at the stairs and cried there until I couldn't. I was shivering and unable to calm down. I started hyperventilating until I felt the need to vomit, I locked myself into a bathroom for sometime until all of what I felt started to fade. Right now I just feel like there is nothing worth into this place.
I feel alienated, who are these people I happen to live with?..... Can I really live with them?.... Who are them?
Come to think sometimes that I rather move away, far as I am able. I would like to keep a good memory of them while it remains, go on with my life. I think, it feels like I'm living with the enemy. I think... I'm just awaiting for it to break, wait for the moment when the show falls down. I feel scared and I want to escape. Take some money..... Go wherever the next bus takes me. And then I remember that I'm trapped.
I can't act into those manners cause there's people who are waiting for me in here tomorrow. There is a promise that I made them, and in order to fulfill that promise I got to stay here, pretend along with all of these strangers. And maybe at the end, I am their daughter.
Because... I am the same as they are, I am using them too. Because they are the ones who keep me alive, I live from their money and their house. We exchange cuddles of made up love, because both parts need to gobble this big lie, it feels less overwhelming if we do it this way. So I am really everything of what I hate from them.
I am a liar, I will back-stab them someday too... I will abandon them because of what's important for me. At the end maybe I will be the one to feed them with their own soup, bite the hand that's feeding me.
Is it that the only way to reach happiness means stepping over everyone else? Is it like a game where everyone looses?
But there are a couple beings that get up my hopes.
And they will know it when they read, who they are...... it's because of them that I think I can do it, against every chance, against the predictions and whatever destiny had planned for me. It's the strength that they give me, I'm sure that I can do it if I count on their love. And regardless all of your assumptions I will reach them.
Tonight I feel disappointed, but that opens my eyes..... What do I really want? Nobody is looking after me, I can't trust anyone but myself from now on. I am my only friend, sometimes my own enemy. This is a game in which only one person can win, everyone around me is an enemy, everyone is a target. No.... I am a target for everyone, so I keep my guard up. That's where I got to grow cold, someday it will be me who will abandon the person whom gave life to me, I can't touch my heart for her.... Because if I don't abandon her, she will leave me. It's a Russian Roulette.....
And if luck ain't on my side, if I happen to hold the empty gun, if the blood that will splatter will be mine. if I have to die then at least I want to die after I shot.
My real friends, those who I know are sincere. It's only because of them that I will become the evilest being on earth, because at their side I can be a better person. But yet reaching them means that I will have to become a demon. I never thought that this rule could be applied to life as well, but it seems that at the end it was true..... Only a demon is able to create an angel.