Hey!!! Hasn't it been a while since I last directed a word to any of you?.. Today I'm breaking that silence to announce that the time has begun to spin the clock again!
I bet it sounded strange, didn't it?.... Well I'm going to explain to all of you better then.......
As you might known I entered an acting class at the beginning of the year in course and the period lasted 6 months, by this time our period ended and we presented a play on stage, a play which's premiere was last Wednesday 25th of the current year. Today was the second act and next Wednesday is the final performance.
Now that you're tuned in with the events lately I'm going to tell you the main reason of why I'm doing this journal (other than how most of my dears are sleeping right now and won't be able to read it until tomorrow)
Happens that, my family when to see the show and all, we had our goodbyes with our teacher and the amazing staff from our adorable stage <3....... Our teacher had always told us that life is a process, that we come here with a purpose but that we can only advance slowly and fulfilling lots of small goals in our way to the big deal.
At the beginning he had always told us how..... The stage had called us, only because there was a good reason for us to be there. It may sound crazy but all of us had been placed in there with a purpose that we had to find out ourselves.
I thought that my purpose was because I was bored and wanted to do something strange.... really XD;;;
And today I just.... finally seen.... I FINALLY SEEN the reason why I was there.... the reason why he had to play that play *playception* .... Because I will be honest with all of you, I never felt excited about the play we were making.
Of course it was interesting but I never liked my character and I didn't really think the play was that great itself, I didn't relate much to it's story or the characters.... and then today.......
My sister complaint at me that she didn't knew what the play was about. Then my mother said "Actually that play represents us very well.. I even cried". As she said that I felt very confused because I couldn't see how a play like that could ever relate to our lives.... But my sister still didn't understand the plot so I began telling her.....
"It's a story about a house where a family of woman live... there's 2 little girls and their mother, their grandmothers and two aunts plus their maid and a third aunt whom's much older than the rest of them" when I explained that she said "That I understood but... I don't get the ending"... So I continued.
"Don't focus on the events because they make no sense... Basically all of those woman wanted to leave the house they were living into but they never really seemed to do it. They didn't because they were stuck into a sort of cycle that kept them eternally busy. The play isn't about the woman in that house, it was about their relationship with time... About how they wanted to escape but none had the courage to move, because it just never seemed to be the right time to do it.... That's why the two little girls stopped the time, and they stopped the routine and as the time stopped all of the woman from that house realized that they weren't immortal and that they only had one life to live... So they finally broke the cycle and each of them left"
Only then I realized how...... that play was the story of my life.... What I have been fighting, what our family's been fighting. As I spoke I didn't feel as myself anymore, it was a strange feeling... a feeling of awakening.
Because I finally realized that I want to get out of here, that was my only goal.
I had been stuck all the time, like the girls from that house, I had been stuck into an endless cycle, watching the days pass and make me old, like the prunes from the play, like the woman from that play.... I was stuck here growing old, I was stopped in the time and I didn't realize that I was the only thing that needed to make a change for the cycle to break..... I didn't realize of my own wishes.
When I finished explaining I was into a sort of daze, of bewilderment. And then mom smiled and said "Just like us".... I felt my hearth shrink. My sister never reacts because her head is almost empty, but truth hit me in the face like a 200 ft fall that came to an end..... and the phrase jumped in my brain "The stage calls all of us here for a reason"
Why is it that human beings forget what they're fighting for?
Why is it that we behave as if we had all the time in the world but our existence is only reduced to some years?
Time passes endlessly and it almost becomes natural for us, but we don't notice that we're growing old and we're dying and we're missing our chances.....
They had all the time to escape, the woman from that old house, they only ever did it after the girls stopped the time but I can't stop the time.... I have to escape somehow, because the time will take it's toll upon all of us who don't move.
I don't want to be here, when I was younger that was all that I knew, now I know where I want to be...
Then why did my time stop?.... Why did I got stuck in this place for soo long? Soo long that I had to ridicule and expose myself onto a stage to realize that I have been a fool!
The stage only calls us to perform when we've been ridiculous enough by ourselves to become fools.
Because the only ones that perform onto stages are the fools.
Fools are the ones that chase after the impossible dreams... But dreams only become impossible to fulfill when we decide it. The problem about tragedies is that we often loose the line between what's tragic and what's ridiculous, We are unable to differ when something has been sad enough that it became comical.... that's the moment when we become fools, and the moment when the stage calls us to perform, maybe in an attempt to make us realize of our own foolishness.
We blame the time about all of our disgusting acts, we say that we don't do certain things because we don't have the time to, but the time passes equally for everyone, even for the statues and the clocks that are trying to count it, we still make it responsible for our ineptitude.
We become conformists and take whatever life wants to gift us, we let go what life wants to take from us.
We let go of our dreams of our hopes and our loved ones, we do it hoping that it will also take away the pain and the trouble and our nightmares.... Maybe it takes away all of that, but it also takes away what we wanted to keep..... But we still let it go because it's always more comfortable to stay still than to rebel!
We've become cynical.... Under the excuse that we're not given any options.... We have never been given any options and we got used into living into this state of stupidity of those who will never do anything different!
I won't forget my dream never ever again.... Even if life doesn't want to grant it I will hold onto it with my bare hands and my teeth and I will never let life spare that from me
I won't live where life wants to put me to live, god knows I might only ever live this once and if that's the case and I don't live this life at it's fullest then we're doomed!
Even if that means that I also have to carry along all of the hurt, I will not let go of my goal
If the path that I choose will end up killing me and dismembering me until only my entrails remain, at least I will suffer and die knowing that I was conceited and obstinate perhaps... that I was greedy and irrational. But even if I was the worse being on earth, I would die knowing that I always did what I wanted to do, that I never let anyone do as they pleased with me, that I never let life boss me around. I took what I wanted, or I died trying for it, that alone is winning.
I will not forgive myself for staying stuck like this, because if I forgave it I would forget it and then I would risk doing it again and I don't freaking have the time to come to this realization another time!
Because if I die and I'm not able to accomplish my dreams then I'm doomed!
This is my new Modus-Vivendi people, I will no longer let go, I will no longer forget, I will no longer forgive
I will hold onto what I love and what I hate
My dreams and my nightmares
Because let me tell you that you can't have one without the other
And I'd take the pain pleased, because you my beloved ones are worth it.
The magic of the stage calls all of the fools from this world to perform
..Whether it's a tragedy or a comedy or a fairy tale or a musical..
All of us performers are equally ridiculous
The stage laughs at us, not with us
The stage laughs because we're unable to understand our own jokes
The stage only hires fools to perform
..If that's the case..
Then I acknowledge that I am the biggest fool